Yesterday I remembered a moment in the car together, I was listening to you telling me you need to go. It was a memory I thought I might have buried but like most memories, a trigger can unearth it and magnify it until it hovers over your entire being like a monster ready to engulf you into stale pain and unexpirable bitterness.
I admit I had gone a little crazy, I drove over and staged my own personal protest, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying, sometimes both and sometimes neither. I swung violently between a numbing stillness and a terrifying desperation. I wasn’t able to grasp the meaning of any of it, and I insisted you explain over and over, but really, I didn’t understand a thing.
So last night, upon recalling this lengthy encounter with you in my car, I happened to stumble upon that tremor of fear I felt in my heart back then. Not metaphorically. It’s an irregularity that attacks the steadiness of my heart beats and ripples through to my fingers and my voice and like a chemical production this inner shake proceeds to leave my body whatever way it could.
It is not a grudge I hold on to nor a wrong I’m unable to forgive. It’s simply a memory and it came back strong and loud and stubborn.. Bringing with it the emotional and physical manifestations like it was happening again or had just happened.
Now 2 years down the line..has it been two years already? Almost I think..but now..I look back and I look ahead, unsure of what caused what. How can comfort be found in all this fragility? Or is it the other way around?